Everything started innocently enough.
Which, in the world of Abbott and Costello, was usually the first warning sign that something was about to go terribly wrong.
Lou Costello desperately needed a job, preferably one that involved sitting down, eating lunch, and absolutely no complicated thinking. So naturally, Bud Abbott decided to help him get hired at Mr. Fields’ drugstore.
Abbott walked into the store with the confidence of a man who could sell ice to a penguin.
“Mr. Fields,” Abbott said smoothly, “I have exactly the employee you need.”
Mr. Fields looked suspicious.
“Is he experienced?”
“Absolutely.”
“Responsible?”
“Of course.”
“Honest?”
Abbott paused for half a second.
“Let’s not ruin a perfectly good interview with unnecessary details.”
And just like that, Lou had the job.
Unfortunately for Lou, getting the job was the easy part.
Because Abbott soon decided that the new drugstore employee needed something even more dangerous than work:
A math lesson.
Abbott turned to Lou.
“Let me ask you something. Suppose there’s a man who’s forty years old and a little girl who’s ten.”
Lou immediately looked worried.
“Why? What happened?”
“Nothing happened! It’s a mathematical question!”
“Oh. Good. Because when you start talking about strangers and ages, I like to know where this is going.”
Abbott sighed.
“The man is four times as old as the girl, right?”
Lou counted carefully on his fingers.
“Forty… ten… yeah. Four times.”
“Good. Now, in ten years, he’ll be fifty and she’ll be twenty.”
Lou nodded.
“That’s right.”
“And then he’ll only be two and a half times as old as she is.”
Lou suddenly looked offended.
“What happened to the other one and a half times?”
Abbott stared at him.
“It doesn’t go anywhere! The ratio changes!”
“Who changed it?”
“TIME changed it!”
“Well, tell Time to put it back!”
Abbott took a deep breath and continued.
“Eventually, the difference between their ages stays the same, but the ratio keeps getting smaller. First he’s four times her age. Then three times. Then twice her age.”
Lou was beginning to look increasingly uncomfortable.
Abbott smiled.
“And now comes the question: when will they be exactly the same age?”
Lou froze.
He looked at Abbott.
He looked at the ceiling.
He looked around the drugstore as if the answer might be hiding behind the cough syrup.
Finally, he whispered:
“You mean I have to wait?”
Abbott blinked.
“Wait for what?”
“For them to become the same age!”
Abbott groaned.
“They can NEVER become the same age!”
Lou suddenly looked relieved.
“Oh, thank goodness!”
Abbott frowned.
“Why are you relieved?”
Lou shook his head dramatically.
“Because that’s a long time to wait, and by then that little girl would be following me around everywhere!”
Abbott stared at him in complete disbelief.
“LOU! YOU DON’T HAVE TO WAIT FOR ANYTHING!”
“Well, you asked me when they’d be the same age!”
“Yes!”
“And I was trying to figure out how many years I’d have to stand around!”
Abbott grabbed his head.
“That’s the whole point! No matter how long you wait, the man will always be thirty years older!”
Lou thought about this for several seconds.
Then his face lit up.
“Oh! So she never catches him?”
“Exactly!”
Lou nodded proudly.
“Then why didn’t you just say that?”
Abbott looked directly at him.
“Because I thought you understood arithmetic.”
Lou looked offended.
“I understand arithmetic perfectly.”
“Really?”
“Yes!”
Abbott smiled.
“What’s forty minus ten?”
Lou answered immediately.
“Thirty.”
“Good! And what’s fifty minus twenty?”
“Thirty.”
“And sixty minus thirty?”
Lou proudly shouted:
“I’m not falling for that one!”
Abbott closed his eyes.
Somewhere in the drugstore, Mr. Fields quietly reconsidered his hiring decision.
And Lou?
Lou stood proudly behind the counter, completely convinced that he had just defeated mathematics.
The only problem was…
Mathematics hadn’t even started fighting back yet. 😂
